his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I need a beard to bite.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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