Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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