i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
