i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
There's even glitter on my cock...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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