Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
please don't ironically join a cult
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