I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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