Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
