explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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