Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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