I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
