I smell stomach acid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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