I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
