Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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