She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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