If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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