As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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