While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
