Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
