i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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