they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
