We won't sleep together?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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