I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize