someone get that fucking seahorse.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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