Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
