allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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