btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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