i jhust puked up my retainher.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
