Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
