there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
