i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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