I wish my penis had an off switch
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
