Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
