I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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