This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
