In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
