Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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