Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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