I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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