my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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