Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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