OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
