yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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