Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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