Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays