I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.