Your face is a jimmy john
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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