jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
