sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
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Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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