My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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