when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
