Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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