I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
