You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
All I want is dick and wine.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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