Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
