So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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