i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
