You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
