Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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